Craving connection on Father's Day
Happy Father’s Day!
Did you know that 98 percent of all fathers would be happy to receive “tools” for Father’s Day? That’s according to 106.7 Lite FM, the radio station that offered “the world’s best father” an all-expense paid vacation to Orlando, Florida, a contest that my 14-year-old son Julian entered for his dad. Sure, Jeremy would have enjoyed that, but like 100 percent of all dads out there, what he really craves is connection with his kids.
Connection with our loved ones is vital, something that has been scientifically shown to increase our happiness, longevity, and overall well being.
Sometimes, though, connecting is not so easy.
I was visiting a couple weeks ago with my dad. Unfortunately, it wasn’t under the best of circumstances. He had fallen off his bike and broken his greater trochanter. The good news was that he himself had been the one to call me to report the accident; eighteen years ago when he fell off his bike, he hadn’t been able to make the call himself since he was in a coma--which lasted more than a week!
He made a stellar recovery then, and I believe he will make yet another stellar recovery this time round.
Before I drove to the rehab center to visit him, I asked him what I could bring. I wasn’t too surprised when he answered, as we do in my family, “just bring yourself.” I ended up bringing him my favorite carob bar, as well as “Grandpa’s soap,” hoping that would bring a smile to his face. I think he enjoyed both of those items, but what he valued most was the time we spent together. When I got up to leave, murmuring that I wished there was something I could do for him, he replied, “But you already have.” I knew my presence, our connection, had been the gift.
Indeed, growing up I don’t remember many material gifts from my dad. I’m sure there were some. But what he gave me were experiences. There were the Thursday dates during the winter where he would take me and my sister (and, eventually, my brother) ice skating, and, whenever he had the chance during the summer, he’d take us to the Sycamore Island Club on the Potomac River for a morning or afternoon of canoeing and swimming. Growing up, we’d go on family camping trips, my favorite, admittedly, being the one when we forgot the tent poles and had to stay in a motel.
I have come to do all of these things with my kids: we camp (or, rather, glamp), swim, and paddle during the summer; and in the winter, we ice skate and cross-country ski, another activity that my mom and dad taught me when I was a kid.
Jeremy, my husband and father extraordinaire to our three kids, was raised by a dad who threw a ball in the yard with him, taught him Hebrew, and introduced him to model trains and computers, some of the very things he does with our kids.
Connecting with our kids, though, is not always easy. Everyone is busy, and we have to make designated, family time to be together. With Julian, there’s the added challenge of connecting with someone who, by default, enjoys being by himself. Breaking through this, at times, feels “nearly impossible,” the name of Julian’s favorite 106.7 Lite FM weekday morning quiz.
That’s why in the days leading up to this Father’s Day, I took it upon myself to schedule a consultation with a developmental-behavioral pediatrician who is known for his exemplary parent group counseling programs, of which Jeremy and I have participated in the past. He uses role play, real-life examples, and gives actionable, bite-sized steps that we have found helpful. A group session has many advantages, not the least of which is community and cost; however, I thought it would be helpful if we meet with him privately for a couple sessions, given that there have been some recent stumbling blocks that are impeding that craved connection.
Neither Jeremy nor I is the best “therapy” patient. Neither of us is particularly good at raising our hand and asking for help; we like to figure out this relationship stuff on our own. It has taken “crises” like infertility and autism to get us into the door of a therapist, and while we’ve tried couples counseling at different points in our 24-year relationship, the most sessions we’ve had with any single practitioner has been three. And yet, each time we’ve done so, it has been helpful: an outside counselor has reflected back to us what has worked (and what hasn’t) and has offered us some alternative paths to try.
Still, there are probably a dozen other things we’d rather be doing than meeting with a clinician (see any of the above activities). There’s no crisis, at the moment, and Jeremy would probably enjoy a new tool, not to mention a trip to Orlando. Both of those things would indeed make a fantastic Father’s Day gift.
But this year, he gets time with me and a caring physician to talk about how we can further our connection with our kids. Sure, we’re scheduling some fun too today: as soon as I press “send,” the kids and I will make him a special Father’s Day breakfast and we’ll spend the day paddling together, a favorite activity. But I’m hoping that taking the time to stop and address some of the challenges we’re facing, with a skilled practitioner, will make all the other experiences we give to our kids--and each other-- even more meaningful.