It’s official; we’ve been invited to our first potluck since the pandemic.
My initial reaction was one of excitement! “Yes, things are starting to feel like normal."
My second thought was, “Oh no, what are my kids going to be eat?”
As I wrote last month in “Lessons from the Nutritionista’s Kitchen,” dietary restrictions, in some form or another, play a part in both my health and spiritual life. Community also plays an enormous role, but what happens when the community is not fully in alignment with my—and my kids’—dietary needs? In other words, what if members of the community, with which we’re having the potluck, bring food that I choose not to eat?
For any of us adhering to any special kind of diet who want to celebrate with community, this is an issue, especially on festive holidays, like today, July 4th.
For me, this isn’t a big deal. Long ago, I learned to pack a tin of sardines and an avocado for a quick meal on the go, and when it comes to an invitation at a friend’s, I’ll show up with an extra dish or two, with careful coordination in advance with the host. Ditto for a potluck.
But for my kids that’s a different story. I might think that a frittata and guacamole are excellent choices for a potluck, but my kids might disagree.
So here’s the advice I’m offering to myself and to anyone else grappling with these issues:
Accept the invite if these are people who make you feel good about yourself. We know that being in community, being with friends, and being with people who lift us up is just as important as what we eat, maybe even more so.
Make the gathering about the people, not the food. Yes, bring a dish or two, something you will enjoy, but if you’re feeling anxious about what other food will be served, consider feeding your kids (and yourself) ahead of the potluck. If your kids are sated before the gathering, chances are that they are not going to be interested in the food, but in other activities—and, hopefully, there will be a few. If this is strictly a grown-up affair and you’re hoping to have some quality time with your friends, don’t forget the colored pencils, markers, paper, and activity books for your kids.
Communicate with the host/organizer about your dietary restrictions. If you don’t tell your host/organizer that your child has an allergy to milk—the most common allergen—she will never know.
Consider asking the host to assign invitees dishes that are allergen free and/or nutrient dense. It’s possible that the host could even go so far as to say “no sugar, please.” The fact is many people are trying to eat healthier and would rather do without foods that make us feel tired, spacey, and heavy. Obviously, this will make it easier for you if the forbidden foods aren’t even there.
Consider the potluck from your kid’s point of view. What is going to be offered? What are they likely to gravitate towards? If bagels and lox are going to be offered, perhaps it’s appropriate to bring a bagel that’s free of the problematic ingredient. Ditto for pizza, cake, and cookies. If those items are off limits (and maybe they are for a range of health reasons), see number 8.
Give members of your community a cookbook that speaks to your food values. My friend Susan Brooks told me that she gifted members of her book group copies of her cookbook, Cooking with Grace, which offers delicious recipes that are free from gluten and refined sugar. Everyone brings a different dish to the monthly chats and more often than not they are dishes right out of Susan’s cookbook! (Pictured are Susan’s brownies and apple crisp, which were a hit at a recent gathering).
Get your kids involved, to whatever extent possible, Ask them what they want. Ideally, get them to make it with you. I’ve had a lot of luck in this department when it comes to dessert. I wish they felt the same way about the main course, but it’s a start!
Have your child “own” his/her/their own food restrictions. This is number 8 but it should be number 1, because this is truly the only way dietary modification will be sustainable long term. This sounds easy but it can be difficult when your child doesn’t understand why a restriction has been put in place. Working with a practitioner, tracking, and doing lab testing is helpful in getting your child to understand her own unique non-negotiables, a key principle in functional nutrition as taught by Andrea Nakayama, CEO of the Functional Nutrition Alliance.
Visualize yourself at the potluck and enlist help if you’re going to need help with your kids. It can be helpful to let other adults present know that your kids have special dietary needs without it being the whole focus of the event. It takes a village!
Prepare for the possibility that things will go wrong. This is particularly frightening for parents with kids who will go into anaphylaxis but it is also upsetting for any parent who has taken the time and care to cater to any kind of special diet. But preparing for the worst can be lifesaving. Have on hand whatever antidote is required, such as an EpiPen or, for kids with gluten sensitivities, Glutenza, which helps with accidental gluten exposure. (Thanks to my FxNA colleagues for reminding me about this one!)
Happy 4th and wishing you a fun potluck season! Here’s hoping that I’ll follow my own advice!
Great piece, Loren. Our kids are older now so they advocate for themselves. But for many years we were negotiating family and friend gatherings with three Celiacs and an anaphylactic nut allergy. I usually made something my kids and I could eat that I knew was delicious and more often than not everyone wanted some of ours! Now, it seems hosts are more likely to ask, and more people are on special diets for a variety of reasons, so I would be more likely to mention—and often people do ask. Happy 4th!!!
Loren - I love reading your blog and I always learn something from you. Thank you for continuing
to share your wisdom and experiences!